


How to Kill Your Spouse

by GokuGirl



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Humor, M/M, Out of Character, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-09-27
Updated: 2001-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-10 22:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4411178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not your average Goku/Vegeta fic, that's for sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Kill Your Spouse

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [How It Didn't Happen](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/131468) by Gaia Faye. 



> **Note:** I'm not putting down shounen ai or yaoi but I've seen this done in many a fic and it's annoying. Phase One: Kill off Bulma and ChiChi in the most violent way you can possibly think of. Phase Two: Get Vegeta and Goku together and everyone lives happily ever after. So I'm doing something I've first seen done by Gaia Faye (How It Didn't Happen). It was a good idea.
> 
>  **Note #2:** No saiya-jins, or Bulmas, or ChiChis (darn) were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
> 
> [ ] = the dreaded author's notes!

One bright, sunshiney summer morning in October [Ha! Thought I was gonna say August, didn't you? ...Well, you're right.], er I mean *August*, Vegeta was training with his... *friend* Goku as he did every single morning before lunch. That very same bright sunshiney summer morning he began to notice Goku in a very, very, *VERY* different way that he hadn't before.

'My palms are sweating... Why? Am I coming down with something?' Then his eyebrows rose. 'Wait a minute, saiya-jins don't get sick.'

After Goku's fist struck Vegeta's distracted cheek and the smaller saiya-jin laid sprawled in the dirt (and after he noticed just how his cheek tingled from Goku's mere touch), the larger saiya-jin noticed something as well.

'My stomach feels all funny. Maybe I need to go see a doctor.' Then his eyes widened in fear as visions of wicked needles danced in his head. 'Ne-nevermind! I just need to eat something.'

"Vegeta," Goku said while looking a bit queasy, "can we stop for today?" He bent down and righted his 'friend' as he said his next few words. "I don't feel too good."

"Sure Kakarotto," Vegeta said with as much hostility as he could manage. It was hard seeing as he never really hated Goku in the first place. Both saiya-jin jerked away from each other at the same moment as they both realized just where Goku's hands were [On his waist, you hentais, not his face. ::snicker::].

With a somewhat lingering last glance, both flew off into opposite directions. Vegeta for a cold shower, Goku for a hot meal.

***

That night as the bright, diamond-like stars made their appearance in the inky blackness that was the night sky [without streetlights of course] Vegeta stood on the balcony in the room he and Bulma shared. Forearms leaning on the railing, he stared up at the stars and made a silent wish. Of course it was the perfect time for a shooting star to streak across the sky.

'Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight. I wish...' He paused in his thoughts to glance around everywhere as if someone could overhear his thoughts. 'I wish that Kakarotto and I end up in a relationship together.' Then, as if the heavens couldn't believe he just wished for that (he sure couldn't), Bulma came out onto the balcony with curious expression on her face. He didn't hear her, he was too preoccupied in fantasies of... killing things.

"Vegeta?" she said as she stood next to him. "What in the world are you doing out here?"

He jumped in startlement and immediately shot a bird down from the sky with his ki. "I'm practicing my aim, onna, what does it look like I'm doing?"

Thoroughly disgusted, Bulma went back into their room and left him outside, all alone. Vegeta, not really minding a bit, took off into the air at top speed.

He had to see Goku.

***

"Kaasan! Tousan is taking all of my food!" Goten wailed as he vainly tried to stop his father. Fortunately a tap at the window caught Goku's attention. That and the fact that Vegeta's ki was right outside.

'It's ten at night,' Goku said to himself. 'Why in the world is Vegeta outside? Did I make a sparring appointment that I forgot about?'

The preoccupied saiya-jin prince opened the front door and walked right on in, not even stopping to say hello to ChiChi, Goten, or Gohan (as if he would on a nomal day).

"Kakarotto we need to talk. NOW." That said he grabbed Goku's arm and dragged him from his chair, through the front door, and one-hundred feet from the house. After making sure that no one was close enough to overhear (the birds and animals didn't count), he simply told Goku the truth.

"I want you."

Goku blinked once and then blinked some more. "Huh?"

Rolling his eyes and sighing, he held Goku's head between his hands and began to speak very slowly. "Listen to me, Kakarotto. I. Want. You." Then he added something else. "Badly."

"And you've really thought about this?" Goku asked while trying to keep his eyes from crossing since Vegeta was so close.

"If I hadn't, would I be here telling you this?"

"Nope." Then he grinned. "Well thanks for telling me. I have to get back to my meal now."

"What are you saying Kakarotto?" Vegeta asked, eyes wide. "Don't you love me?"

"Sure," he shrugged. "Ai shiteru Vegeta."

The shorter saiya-jin's face crumbled and he sniffed miserably. "You didn't mean that!"

Sweatdropping, Goku began to back away. "What's wrong with you? If you were a onna, I'd say it was that time of the month. If you were ChiChi, I wouldn't ask."

"KAKAROTTO!" Vegeta wailed as he threw himself at Goku's feet. "We are destined to be together!"

"Uh, whatever you say..."

"This is what we have to do first, though." Vegeta jumped to his feet, suddenly smirking evilly. "We need a plan to kill off the onnas. They're keeping us apart."

Goku's face lit up like a four-year-old's on Christmas morning. He rubbed his hands together in glee as he imagined all the different ways to kill off ChiChi and make it seem like an accident. Finally he would be free of her and his children would never know it was his fault. He grabbed Vegeta's hands with a big grin. "We're gonna kill the wives!"

"Hai! We're gonna kill the wives!" Then both started to jump for joy and sing in unison at the mere thought.

"Ding dong the wives are dead! Which old wives? The wicked wives! Ding dong the wicked wives are dead!"

As they danced and pranced and sang, they bonded and became closer to each other than to either of their wives. Deciding to further plan, they spent the night alone, together, in the forest outside of Goku's home.

***

Everyday the plan came more and more together until it was practically flawless. By the end of the week the supplies had been bought and the alibi chosen (they were going to be sparring, of course). Goku stood patiently in the sunny kitchen on Friday anxious to begin the plan.

_Step One: Wait for the kids to leave the house.  
Step Two: Drug ChiChi's tea._

Goku, not knowing a darn thing about drugs, hoped that he was putting the right amount of sleeping powder in. He could almost hear Vegeta's voice now....

'Kakarotto, if you kill her by accident and the ningen cops catch you I won't be your backup.'

Goku shrugged. As if he just couldn't break out of jail anyway.

"By Tousan!" Goten said as he ran through the kitchen, pausing only to hug his father goodbye. He grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter and ate it in one bite. Gohan nodded in his father's direction but didn't stop as he exited the house.

'Now for ChiChi.'

Every morning, after the kids left for school, ChiChi sat down to a nice cup of green tea. She said that it was just the thing to start her day. For good measure (and because he didn't think she would accept it if he gave it to her) he put the entire drug into the teapot. Now wherever she got it from it would work.

"Ohayo Goku-sa!" She greeted cheerfully as she went straight to the teapot on the counter. Goku gave her his best smile (aided by the fact that he and Vegeta would finally be together) and turned to rummage around in the fridge. When he heard the thump of her head hitting the table not more than five minutes later his smile became a grin.

On to step three.

***

Vegeta stood in the shadows created by the clothing in Bulma's huge walk-in closet and waited patiently. He was tempted to call Goku just to chat when the door finally slid open. Bulma did everything in the exact same order every single day. First choose the blouse, then choose pants, then the shoes. As she bent down to pick a pair of black pumps, Vegeta hit a pressure point in the back of her neck and efficiently knocked her unconscious. No waiting around for him.

Twenty minutes later, after tying Bulma up and gagging her, he waited (now impatiently) in the foyer for Goku. Trunks had gone to school long before and Bulma's parents were dead so there was no one to find out. Of course step three was:

_Step Three: Regroup at Capsule Corp._

The small black cellphone at Vegeta's waist vibrated so suddenly that it startled him. Even though they were on time, he still wasn't used to wearing a ningen technology. Still, it was a lot safer than their home phones since they could easily be tapped.

"I'm on my way, Vegeta."

"How close are you?"

"Well since I can see the Capsule Corp. from my current position in the air," Goku began sarcastically, "I can say that I'm *really* close."

"Don't get cute, Kakarotto."

He could hear the grin in his voice. "Gomen nasai, Veggie-chan, but it's too late." The other saiya-jin tried to snort but it came out more as a laugh.

"Just be here as quick as you can." Then the doorbell rang. Of course it was Goku on the other side.

"Hey Veggie! Was this quick enough?"

***

A few hours later they were sitting in a cave in the middle of a forest many, many miles from Satan City. Both saiya-jin paced the floor in thought, occasionally brushing past each other on purpose or leering suggestively. Step four was carried out without a hitch ( _Step Four: Retreat to the hidden cave._ ) but there was a small problem with step five...

"You changed it on me, Veggie-chan!" Goku had whined earlier. "I may want ChiChi dead but you know I don't have the stomach to torture someone!"

"Look at it this way, Kakarotto: sharp objects." He then had drawn the biggest knife Goku had seen in his life. It was so big that even an extra centimeter would make it a short sword. Vegeta then yanked a hair from Goku's head and proceeded to split it with the razor sharp edge of steel. "Imagine how easy it'll cut their flesh...."

"I've got it!" Goku shouted suddenly, making Vegeta spin around and bump right into him. Goku grabbed his shoulders to steady him and conveniently didn't let go. "We can drop them off in a bad neighborhood and let the gangs take care of the rest."

"While we would add the added joy of rape to the list, we couldn't watch." Vegeta frowned. He noticed that both wives were awake and looking at both of them with eyes wide with fear. Vegeta led Goku away a bit and made him kneel down to his size. [So the women wouldn't overhear. Yep, that's why.]

"Kakarotto, we can...."

So now the next step went from...

_Step Five: Torture victims until they scream for mercy._

To...

_Step Five: Stuff bodies with explosives and watch the fireworks._

They had to sit there for three hours while Vegeta and Goku got more supplies. Finally, only an hour before the kids got out of school, they had a huge collection of M-80s, Roman Candles, plastic explosives, and of course dynamite. Vegeta, feeling evil, stuffed a lot of cherry bombs into ChiChi's (big) mouth and delighted in the way that she glared at him and couldn't do a thing.

"All we have to do is light the TNT at the bottom and everything else'll go off when it gets hot enough."

"Are you sure, Vegeta?"

He sniffed each armpit before responding. "Very sure." Goku groaned.

"You're not funny."

Both saiya-jin exited the cave in absolute glee and both also decided to do the honors. Instead of using fire to light the explosives they would, of course, use ki. So two thin beams, Goku's being white and Vegeta's being blue, hit the largest explosive at the bottom of the pile. There was a earth shuddering (and satisfying) _Boom!_ and little bits of charred clothing and flesh blew from the cave. Vegeta and Goku grabbed each other's hands and began to sing... again.

"I'm so happy! I'm floating on cloud nine! I'm so happy! I'm feeling swell, life is so sublime! I'm so happy! I'm so gosh darn incredibly happy!" [Yeah I know it's from a commercial but I can't remember which one...]

Bulma and ChiChi were finally dead [the universe rejoiced] and of course Goku and Vegeta lived absolutely, positively happily ever after.

But wait! There's more!

Sorry, wrong show.

**Author's Note:**

> That last bit was brought to you by Mike the TV and the friendly folks down in Mainframe. If you lose a game, you can most likely blame Bob.


End file.
